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Taking all of this into consideration, I caved and went to Fiesta where there were only two people ahead of me. I noticed someone staring at me suspiciously and immediately identified him as a self-appointed polling place monitor, intent on voter intimidation. I whispered to the others, don’t look now but that man in the unsightly flannel shirt is trying to discourage you from voting. I’ll handle this.

I then walked over to him and pulled out my driver’s license, original birth certificate (which listed me as Baby Girl Smith since my parents couldn’t decide on a name), my passport, my baptismal certificate, my social security card and my Starbucks gold card. I threw them all in his face and yelled, IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? HAPPY NOW? Turns out he actually works at Fiesta. My bad.

I was going to try and take a selfie in the booth like Justin Timberlake as we are alike in so many ways but I didn’t want to be thrown out by the 85-year-old woman nodding off in her chair while people forged signatures and stole I Voted stickers even if they hadn’t voted.

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night this past week wondering, what if? What if Trump won? What if that complete psychopath actually becomes president? And then I tell myself, oh, you’re crazy. That can’t happen. And then I fall back to sleep only to wake up again and think, what could possibly happen in a new season of Stranger Things? It’s not like it could get much stranger. What if it ends up like The Killing where everyone loved it at first and then hated it? That would suck.

As next Tuesday fast approaches, which is not only Election Day but also my 13-year anniversary (no presents, please), most people I know are freaking out. Naturally they’re all big Hillary supporters because I dumped my Trump friends months ago. (I kid. I’ve never had Trump friends.) Although I continue to believe that Hillary will win, fear is contagious and the more people tell me how nervous they are, the more nervous I get, and the more I have to up my meds.

What is wrong with you people? It’s like when I was a cheerleader in high school (OMG did you know I was a cheerleader in high school?!) as well as the designated climber because I was so freakishly small and people would be like, aren’t you afraid they’ll drop you? And I was like, WELL NOW I AM. And then they dropped me and I broke my wrist.

So stay strong. She’s got this. No, really. She’s got this. And if you start thinking, what if she fq必下apphave this?, the universe will respond to your paranoia with a Trump presidency. All because of you and your weakness. But don’t worry. It won’t be so bad. If Trump were to become president, the End Times will come and our days on earth will be numbered.

Either way, win-win.

Happy Halloween to those of you who continue to “celebrate” a holiday that originated as a pagan Celtic harvest festival. But if you’re still looking for the perfect costume (outside of “gypsy” or “hobo” or “clown” because apparently those aren’t “PC” anymore), I’ve got an idea. Anthony Weiner.

You might remember disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner, the ex of Huma Abedin, one of Hillary’s closest aides. If you don’t remember Weiner, let me refresh your memory. He’s that fq必备app pic dumbass. Why are we talking about Anthony Weiner? Because the FBI found some emails that may or may not have anything to do with Hillary Clinton on Anthony Weiner’s server (that’s what she said).

Yes, thanks to FBI Director James Comey, we now know that there are even more emails—possibly incriminating, probably not, he wouldn’t know because HE HASN’T READ THEM—due to his very public letter to Congress, effectively handing the Trump campaign something to distract people from his myriad of sexual assault charges and overall freakshow-ness. This is like the FBI going through my Hotmail account circa 1999 and discovering that, aside from some classified security emails and short stories about an unemployed girl who cruises around town in a used Saturn, there’s really nothing there. Careless? Perhaps. Illegal? No.

This latest scandal-not-scandal came about during a separate investigation into Weiner’s sexts with a 15-year-old girl. (In his defense, she told him she was 15 and a half.) As if Weiner hasn’t caused this country enough pain, he’s now seemingly destabilized the entire electorate. I really don’t need this. I already have to down Benefiber every morning from a self-diagnosed ulcer. This is not going to help, especially with the gap narrowing in the polls.

So last night I frantically looked for reassurance from the Internet, which I often do. As of this morning, fq必下app is giving Hillary a 78% chance of winning with 317 electoral votes. She’s leading in most of the swing states. And if she wins Nevada (where she’s leading right now), she could lose EVERY OTHER SWING STATE and still win. In fact the “October surprise” could end up being a surprise to rejoicing Trump supporters who think this will actually make a difference. If anything, this has energized Democrats to vote early. I myself have already voted three times at different elementary schools in the greater Austin area. Why? Because now, more than ever, I’m with her. (OK, fine. I couldn’t be more with her than I already was but I’m just trying to make a point. Point taken.)

You know, if the Trump campaign wasn’t already in one bigly death spiral, his debate performance last night would’ve been the clincher. But now it’s in the spinning vortex of the death spiral, hurtling through a parallel reality the likes of which we’ve never seen before. It’s like when General Zod and his evil sidekicks become imprisoned in that Phantom Zone mirror thing until it gets shattered by a hydrogen bomb (launched by Superman but that’s another story) and they go on to wreak havoc on the planet. But for Trump there is NO SUCH EXIT PLAN. Enjoy eternity with Kellyanne Conway and Sean Hannity.

In case you haven’t heard, the presidential election will be rigged, shaking our already fragile democracy to its core and forcing us underground, our only sustenance the occasional candy corn left over from Halloween. Those of you who have lived a charmed life and have never been set up by The System can’t possibly understand.

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So I can sympathize with Trump’s cries of a rigged election and his furious tweeting to his supporters, which they have retweeted tens of thousands of times in between binge watching Duck Dynasty and threatening to shoot people. To wit:

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• Of course there is large scale voter fraud happening on and before election day. Why do Republican leaders deny what is going on? So naive!
• The election is absolutely being rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked Hillary – but also at many polling places – SAD
• Hillary Clinton should have been prosecuted and should be in jail. Instead she is running for president in what looks like a rigged election
• 100% fabricated and made-up charges, pushed strongly by the media and the Clinton Campaign, may poison the minds of the American Voter. FIX!
• Nothing ever happened with any of these women. Totally made up nonsense to steal the election. Nobody has more respect for women than me!

You can’t look at all these facts and not think that something funny is going on. I mean, all of a sudden these women are coming out with these WILD CLAIMS that they were groped or otherwise assaulted by Trump? Trump has even pointed out that some of them aren’t very pretty so why would he even try to assault them?  How can you question that kind of logic? Women for Trump have put it so eloquently. Like, for example, Trina Hudson:

“I’d be honored if Donald Trump would touch me inappropriately! I sure would! Do it again!” Trina Hudson laughed as she walked out of Trump’s Friday night rally in Charlotte, the second one she’s been to so far. Hudson was wearing a T-shirt she had gotten at her first Trump rally in Greensboro (“Finally, a candidate with balls!”) and said that neither the accusations against Trump nor his response to them would change her mind. “It. Does. Not. Matter,” she said. “I would still vote for him.”

It. Kind. Of. Does. Matter. Trina. You. Moron. And now, it’s kind of over.

In case you were hanging upside down in an ice cave all weekend and were unable to reach your phone because you never quite mastered The Force, here’s what you missed. Donald Trump, the man you knew was a pig, has turned out to be…a pig. Seriously? This is surprising? This is like when I’m walking my pug and he attacks every dog we pass with his little piranha teeth forcing me to say in faux disbelief, Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I don’t know what’s gotten into him today!, although this is how he behaves every day, even to the three-legged dog across the street. And while I don’t condone my pug’s actions, my strong endorsement of him still stands.

On Friday, a 2005 recording of Trump on an “Access Hollywood” bus was leaked, showing him in full-on sexual predator mode. Since this is a SFW blog I will censor what I consider the most offensive terms. The tape opens with him discussing a woman who spurned his advances. OMG HER LOSS.

“I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it… I did try and [BEFRIEND] her. She was married. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out [FURNITURE] shopping. She wanted to get some [FURNITURE]. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice [FURNITURE].’ I moved on her like a [FISH], but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony [FEET] and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

Next Trump notices some soap star named [ARIANNE ZUCKER].

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You should know, however, that this can all be explained away by qualifying it as “locker room talk,” that playful banter between post-squash towel-clad men about sports, beer and assaulting women. Boys will be boys! 59-year-old men will be 59-year-old men! Anyway women engage in some bawdy locker room talk too, whether it’s scheduling play dates, exchanging recipes, discussing whether or not the scale is right (it is) and grabbing unsuspecting men on the treadmills by the balls.

Concerned Republican fathers with daughters immediately began issuing statements with, “As a father of [insert number here] daughters…” Which means they either a) just realized they have daughters or b) were OK with Trump referring to women as pigs, dogs and bimbos. Of course, all of this was just a prelude to last night, kicked off by Trump’s bizarre-o press conference featuring three women who have accused Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct. You know a great way to gain credibility? By allowing yourself to be used as a campaign pawn by a true sexual predator. Free trip to Missouri!

Then, the main event. I wasn’t sure how my debate watching experience was going to go because I had no one distracting my toddler. So instead I started giving her everything she asked for to keep her quiet, including candies specifically reserved for potty training (don’t judge) and a pony. I’m pretty sure I caught most of the highlights: Trump apologized by insinuating that committing sexual assault isn’t any worse than what ISIS does; Hillary is the devil and belongs in prison (which is funny because like you could really keep the devil in prison); something about the movie Lincoln; and how our country is, do I have to say it, a disaster.

The evening concluded with just about the dumbest audience question I’ve ever heard: “Would either of you name one positive thing that you respect in one another?” What is this, a sorority retreat? A work team-building exercise? A wedding? It reminds me of those uncomfortable family reunions where someone inevitably stands up at the table and poses the dreaded “Let’s all say what we love about the person seated to our right!” and I’m always next to the asshole. So when it’s my turn I just say that he’s tall.

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I think it’s fair to say that women, despite our best efforts, are not very bright. Which is fine because being attractive is much more important than being able to put complete sentences together. But then you reach a certain age and all of a sudden you’re in line at Central Market and you’re buying a nice bottle of cabernet when the check-out guy looks at you and smiles/sneers and says, You’re over 21, right? And inputs ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO for your date of birth. He thinks he’s being cute and you’re like HA HA HA RIGHT BECAUSE I’M SO OLD. And then you go to the manager and have him fired for insubordination. (I have a friend who did that.)

On Sunday Rudy Giuliani—who was once America’s mayor before he became America’s dick—referred to Trump as “a man who has this kind of economic genius” and to Hillary as “a woman” because, you know, what has she ever done outside of being born female?

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Notice the implication of this sentence. Giuliani didn’t say “…is a lot better for the United States than a woman who’s only ever produced a lot of work yada yada yada…” The very first reason that Trump is more qualified than Hillary is because she’s “a woman.” I would be offended by this if I understood what it all meant. Syntax is hard.

But really Giuliani’s just a poor man’s warm-up for the real star of this show: Trump’s Mouth. It is uncontrollable. It is insatiable. It will stop at nothing to destroy the host body that it has chosen for its nefarious purposes. Over the weekend it triumphed again at a rally in Pennsylvania. Mouth ignored the teleprompters and the talking points that had been laid out so carefully for him. He accused Hillary of not being “loyal” to her husband and suggested that she’s “crazy.” Mouth opened wider and said that she should be in prison. fq软件安卓 a crowd favorite with these folks although I wish they’d come up with a better chant than “Lock her up!” Maybe something catchier like “Hey Hey Ho Ho She belongs in Guantanamo!” ™

Read the rest of this entry »

I think Donald just criticized me for preparing for this debate. And, yes, I did. And you know what else I prepared for? I prepared to be president. And I think that’s a good thing.

That pretty much sums up last night’s presidential debate. I suppose one could argue that Trump won the debate if you changed the definition of “win” to “jumping out of a plane because you think you can fly but really you’re just another asshole without a parachute.” (Look it up.) When Hillary came out with that jab, the crowd at my friend’s house (fine, there were four of us, five if you count the poodle) went crazy. But then we are all women so we were probably just emotional due to hormonal changes beyond our control.

Before you judge me for leaving my toddler in the care of her father (of all people) last night, you have to realize that there was NO WAY I would’ve been able to watch Hillary stick forks in every orifice of Trump’s body if I had stayed home. I mean, I get that she’s 2 1/2 but she’s also, like, totally self-absorbed.

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There were so many illustrations of his ineptitude that it would be impossible to highlight all of them. So here’s a look at a few key exchanges.

On his tax returns:

CLINTON: Why won’t he release his tax returns? First, maybe he’s not as rich as he says he is. Second, maybe he’s not as charitable as he claims to be. Or maybe he doesn’t want the American people that he’s paid nothing in federal taxes.
TRUMP: That makes me smart. I am very underleveraged. I have a great company. I have a tremendous income. And the reason I say that is not in a braggadocios way. It’s because it’s about time that this country had somebody running it that has an idea about money.

On race relations:

TRUMP: Secretary Clinton doesn’t want to use a couple of words, and that’s law and order. And we need law and order. If we don’t have it, we’re not going to have a country…We have a situation where we have our inner cities, African-Americans, Hispanics are living in hell because it’s so dangerous. You walk down the street, you get shot…We have gangs roaming the street. And in many cases, they’re illegally here, illegal immigrants. And they have guns. And they shoot people.

I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE LIVING IN THUNDERDOME.

CLINTON: It’s really unfortunate that he paints such a dire negative picture of black communities in our country.
TRUMP: Ugh.

(That’s right. “Ugh.” That’s what’s in the official transcript.)

On his birther claims (after referencing Sidney Blumenthal, Patti Doyle & some anonymous “highly respected reporter at McClatchy”):

TRUMP: I think that I’ve developed very, very good relationships over the last little while with the African-American community. And I think I did a great job and a great service not only for the country, but even for the president, in getting him to produce his birth certificate.

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On cyber-hacking:

TRUMP: I don’t think anybody knows it was Russia that broke into the DNC. She’s saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but I don’t — maybe it was. I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK?

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On the Iraq War:

CLINTON: Donald supported the invasion of Iraq.
TRUMP: Wrong.
CLINTON: That is absolutely proved over and over again.
TRUMP: Wrong. Wrong.

You know what always works? Talking over someone and saying “wrong” multiple times into the mic. Bonus points for sniffling loudly, shaking head, rolling eyes and flipping the bird.

TRUMP: I did not support the war in Iraq…That is a mainstream media nonsense put out by her…The record does not show that. The record shows that I’m right…I spoke to Sean Hannity, which everybody refuses to call Sean Hannity. I had numerous conversations with Sean Hannity at Fox. And Sean Hannity said — and he called me the other day — he said you were totally against the war…Sean Hannity said very strongly to me and other people — he’s willing to say it, but nobody wants to call him. I was against the war. But nobody called Sean Hannity. If somebody would call up Sean Hannity, this was before the war started.

I don’t understand this logic. So are we to supposed to feel confident in a man who can’t remember whether he supported a WAR or not? Someone had to REMIND HIM? This is like me calling up a friend wondering if I ever graduated from college. And she’d be all, not only did you graduate but you graduated cum laude! And I’d be like, I knew I was smarter than everyone around me! And she’d be like, yeah, don’t you remember? You were always in the library so you never dated! And I’d be like, you goddam liar, I’m never calling you again. And then I’d slam the receiver down if we still used rotary phones. (Not quite as dramatic with an iPhone.)

And finally, on his judgment:

TRUMP: Well, I have much better judgment than she does. There’s no question about that. I also have a much better temperament than she has, you know?

I couldn’t believe that one. I turned to my friends (naturally I was relegated to sitting on the floor next to the dog and they were on the couch) and said, Did you HEAR that?! But they were all busy reading other people’s live tweets. Really. They kept passing around their phones comparing “funny” tweets that weren’t mine. And I’m all, Oh, I guess my tweets aren’t good enough. So then I started tweeting that my friends are stupid. NOW WHO’S LAUGHING.

But let’s close with one more quote from Hillary.

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Yesterday Donald Trump Jr. tweeted that at their core, Syrian refugees are really just delicious fruit-flavored candies consisting of sugar, hydrogenated palm kernel oil, and broken dreams. Donald added, “This image says it all.”

Does it? Does this image say it all? IT’S A BOWL OF SKITTLES. Personally I can’t stand Skittles. Not just the fact that they’re fleeing a war-torn country to come and terrorize us but also that they’re the poor man’s M&M’s. If you’re going to ruin your already failing diet with candy, why would you not reach for the milk chocolate goodness?

More importantly, that oh-so sophisticated poisoned candy analogy would have been much more powerful with M&M’s. Red M&M’s were discontinued for over a decade because of the fear that the red coloring was linked to cancer. The red ones were swiftly replaced by orange ones, which were never quite as good or quite as pretty. Thankfully they brought the reds back in the ’80s for our snacking pleasure. I’m sure they’re fine now.

Here’s what I would have recommended if I were half the dick that Junior is: “If I had a bowl of M&Ms that I saved from the 1970’s, and told you that just three of them were red, would you take a handful?” I BET YOU WOULDN’T YOU CHICKENS. Kind of makes you think of refugee children, doesn’t it?

But wait! It gets better! Turns out the photo used in his tweet was taken without permission from a former refugee named David Kittos who posted it on flickr six years ago. (NPR describes the photo as “a striking shot of a white bowl of skittles against a white background.” To me, it looks like a bowl of candy on someone’s kitchen counter but I am no fine art aficionado.) Kittos and his family had to leave Cyprus after the Turkish invasion. He now resides in the UK and spends his time taking photos of still life Junior Mints.

This is a clear case of copyright infringement. The least Junior could have done is pay for it with funds from the Trump Foundation.

Looks like the skittle doesn’t fall far from the tree.

There are so many things going on in the Trump Implosion that it’s fairly difficult to know where to start. Is it the fact that Trump just acknowledged for the record that the president who’s been in office for almost eight years is actually a U.S. citizen? Is it his son’s comparing his father’s treatment by the media as “warming up the gas chamber“? (Note to campaign managers. Comparing anything to The Holocaust? Not the best idea.) Could it be Trump’s ongoing refusal to release his tax records or any comprehensive health information (aside from appearing on Dr. Oz, a certified whackadoo)? Not only has Hillary provided extensive health records, she also released a doctor’s note this week detailing her “mild” case of pneumonia and antibiotics regimen. Fantastic. She can now go back to study hall after chemistry lab. (And incidentally no girl ever faked pneumonia to get out of class. She faked her period to get out of gym.)

Clearly there are many things that Trump does which are just plain wrong (including criticizing a pastor at a traditionally African-American church in Flint, Michigan for cutting him off when he started attacking Hillary). But I feel the need to defend him against the hatchet job being orchestrated by the Washington Post on the Donald J. Trump Foundation. Namely, the $20,000 six-foot-tall portrait of himself bought with the charity’s money. As someone who has commissioned many portraits of herself and given them as Christmas presents to close friends and family, as well as acquaintances, I see nothing wrong with, well, loving yourself. I mean, not everyone should do it. For example, ugly people.

But people like myself and Trump? Portrait worthy. To wit, I present to you, this.

You know, I always wanted to try out being a brunette to see what it’s like to have men completely ignore you so this is what I selected at a friend’s wig party a few weeks ago. I wasn’t sure I could rock that whole “Christian country singer” look but when I told the women that I’d like a wig that matched my original hair color they said they were sold out of “dishwater blond streaked with gray.”

But this is what I’m talking about. Who wouldn’t want this hanging above their faux fireplace while they sip their mulled wine and play charades? It’s a reminder that beauty surrounds us. You just have to look for it. And, you’re welcome.

Of course the whereabouts of Trump’s portrait (clothed? tastefully nude? Titanic-esque?) remains unknown. I can only imagine it’s being adored by someone, and rightfully so.

In her defense she’s suffering from pneumonia. At least it’s not tuberculosis or then she’d have to participate in the first debate from her quarantined hospital wing. (TYPHOID MARY. SAD.) At a fundraiser Friday night, before her diagnosis was made public, Hillary said that half of Trump supporters fit into a “basket of deplorables.” Considering her fragile medical condition (chest pain, fever, trouble breathing, chronic dry eye which makes it impossible for her to make her own tears), it’s amazing that she showed such restraint. I’d say that at least two-thirds of Trump supporters are deplorables, if not expendables. Let’s look at her full comments, shall we? We shall. Cue the blockquote.

You could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic — you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up. He has given voice to their websites that used to only have 11,000 people, now have 11 million. He tweets and retweets offensive, hateful, mean-spirited rhetoric.

How dare she call out those racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobes that make up a good chunk of Trump supporters. OK, fine. If I were her campaign manager and heard her say this I would have tried to turn back time by flying around earth counter clockwise at light speed and tell her to stay on script. Of course if I did have this power I’d be more likely to tell my 26-year-old self that she better figure out a career or she’d spend her future blogging, and she’d be all, what’s blogging, and I’d be like, you can thank me later. AND STOP WEARING THOSE UNSIGHTLY OVERALLS.

But seriously, pneumonia? Who hasn’t come down with a case of pneumonia every now and then? With antibiotics that lasts like 48 hours max. But the media is acting like she’s contracted some contagious rage-inducing virus that eventually turns you into a flesh-eating zombie. Similar to what Trump has. (ZINGER.) Last night CNN kept touting this as BREAKING NEWS with a four square panel discussing the possible political ramifications of what can only be called…Pneumoniagate.

Some unlucky reporter (yes, oxymoron) at the Washington Post had to travel to Ankeny, Iowa for a story on Donald Trump’s Catholic problem. (Of course the people with the fq必备app Catholic problem are Catholics. #amiright) Interviews were conducted at a pancake breakfast following Sunday Mass at St. Luke’s Catholic Church. That sounds horrible. First of all, mass. And second, pancake breakfast. Like after wasting an entire hour at church you really want to sit in some basement folding chair surrounded by a bunch of blue-haired parishoners handing out plastic utensils and Knights of Columbus raffle tickets. We did it right at St. John’s Catholic Church in McLean, VA. You bought Krispy Kremes right outside the door and split. Glazed. Heaven.

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Meanwhile Hillary is leading Trump among Catholics nationwide by 27 points (61-34). No big surprise there given his very public feud with Pope Francis earlier this year. Catholicism Catechism 101: Don’t mess with the pope. Clarification: Don’t mess with Pope Francis. Pope Benedict was fair game. When asked about Trump’s plan to build a wall, the pope replied AND RIGHTFULLY SO that “a person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.” Trump called his comments “disgraceful” and dismissed him as “a very political person.” And then, to add insult to injury, he tweeted, “Is the pope Catholic? SAD.”

However most of the congregants at St. Luke’s remain undecided. What are they waiting for, the face of Jesus to miraculously appear on a Mickey Mouse pancake? (True story.)

Just look at 47-year-old Cathy Hardekoph, a nurse turned stay-at-home mom. She was “dismayed” over the Trump-Pope fight, “bothered” by his mockery of a disabled journalist and finds his treatment of Mexican immigrants and refugees as “not portraying Christian values.” Hardekoph complains that “all Trump does is knock other people down.” That said, she tells the reporter that she’ll probably vote for Trump anyway.

WELL THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

That’s it. I’m going to have to start making new t-shirts to add to my Catholic apparel line of “Take Me Down to Vatican City” tank tops and vintage “Fuck off, I’m Catholic” pashminas.

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In fact President Peña Nieto promised nothing of the sort, even tweeting that they would never pay for The Wall (hashtag pendejo). This is like when you ask a neighbor to pay for your fence so their children can’t play freeze tag in your yard and subsequently rob you at gunpoint. (True story.)

I actually watched Trump’s major speech on immigration because I was already caught up with 20/20 on demand. That man makes total assholes look like canonized saints. Truth be told the saints are kind of smug assholes, too. (Oh look at me! I spent my entire life serving others! What do you want, a medal?)

But of course the most egregious thing about Trump’s “plan” is the whole mass deportation bit. He really thinks that he’s going to round up a bunch of families (and by “a bunch” I mean “like millions”) and send them back to Mexico in the dead of night? Only for them to come right back since there won’t be a wall? Not that we have any idea how many undocumented immigrants are here. In his speech Trump declared, “It’s always 11 million. Our government has no idea. It could be three million. It could be 30 million. They have no idea what the number is.”

Maybe he’s right. Maybe we don’t know how many of us are out there. Maybe we’re all immigrants. Maybe we all came from somewhere else. Can you think of anything worse? A nation of immigrants? Yuck.

For the record, despite the fact that I’m a proud 4th generation Irish-American there is NO WAY I’m going back there to face my old IRA drinking buddies. I still owe them money. (And yes, I’m considering putting a soda bread truck on every corner of this great country.)

Apparently I was the last to know that Rick Perry will be appearing on the new season of Dancing With the Stars. (Unless this is the first you’re hearing of it which means you’re the loser.) You know why? Because in the morning my TV is always set to “Daniel Tiger” while I attempt to bribe my toddler to put on pants. Stickers have stopped working. Now she only accepts cash.

Rick Perry. Dancing. On live national television. I believe it is our duty as Texans—nay, Americans—to text in votes for our former governor so he doesn’t get booted off until at least the semi-finals. That would just be embarrassing and would reflect poorly on all of us, kind of like his presidential run.

Perry’s fellow contestants include disgraced swimmer Ryan Lochte (if he isn’t being held at gunpoint for pulling a random urinal off the wall), disgraced rapper Vanilla Ice (who was arrested last year for grand theft), and disgraced actress Marilu Henner (who last appeared in that TV movie blockbuster, The Irvine Fertility Scandal). Not to mention Marcia Brady. Perry should fit in quite nicely. The last Texas politician that I’m aware of to compete on DWTS was Tom DeLay. And MAN that was ugly.

You have no idea how excited I am. Lately I’ve been reading at night which is pretty much as boring as it sounds. I mean, Good God. Has Perry seen some of these dances? Let’s just say they’re not “family friendly.” Let’s just say they’re more like “soft porn.”

Now you may be wondering who can possibly beat gold medal gymnast Laurie Hernandez (besides Simone). Well, I’ll tell you who. Rick Perry and his compulsory waxed chest. He’s going to bring that Mirror Ball trophy back to Texas and make us great again.

On Wednesday night Donald Trump called Hillary a “bigot.” Could he sound any more out of touch? It’s “fq软件,” you stupid bigot! If Hillary Clinton’s a bigot, then Trump’s like the founder of ISIS. Hillary, in turn, accused Trump of “taking a hate movement mainstream.” That may be true but you’ve got to give him credit for addressing suburban white audiences in Michigan and Mississippi in order to reach out to that miserable downtrodden Trump Tower-less African-American community over the past week.

You’re living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58% of your youth is unemployed — what the hell do you have to lose?

He’s right! My life SUCKS! And I’m WHITE. I’m living in a one-story house in East Austin, the schools are all public, my 2013 CRV is carpeted with crushed cheddar bunnies, and my two-year-old is hopelessly unemployed, despite her work on the toddler pageant circuit. YES IT’S NORMAL FOR YOU TO HAVE VENEERS NOW SMILE. What the hell do I have to lose??

Now everyone knows that the best way to win someone over is to first tear them down. For example, I had a friend in college who really wanted this fraternity guy to ask her out. So she told him that he was a total loser because he was basically living in poverty and the only job he had was waiting tables. Guess who had a date that Saturday night!!

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“Hillary Clinton is a bigot who sees people of color only as votes, not as human beings worthy of a better future. She doesn’t care what her policies have done to your communities. She has no remorse. She’s going to do nothing for Hispanics and African-Americans.” Trump also said that African Americans have “become refugees in their own country.” I would call that out as crazy but all he does is crazy so WHY STOP NOW.

Trump said that if he wins, when he runs for re-election he’ll win 95% of the black vote. The only way that could happen is if Omarosa from The Apprentice and that chick from fq必备app (no, not Brittany Murphy, the other one) clone themselves.

After Hillary hit back by saying that Trump is “taking hate groups mainstream and helping a radical fringe take over one of America’s two major political parties,” some evangelical pastor named Mark Burns came to Trump’s defense, accusing Hillary of sinking to a “disgusting new low.” Seeing as I’m just a Catholic and not “saved” in the eyes of evangelicals (or, really, anyone who knows me), I had to google Mark Burns. The first result that turned up was for a Dr. Mark Burns, a geriatric psychiatrist who practices in New Braunfels. I immediately called his office under the pretense of wanting to make an appointment and proceeded to yell, Have you no decency, sir?! And then quickly hung up so they couldn’t trace the call.

Turns out Pastor Burns preaches the “prosperity gospel,” which is not so much a “gospel” as a “Ponzi scheme.” Think Joel Osteen except Burns is black, meaning he rounds out that 1% of African-American support along with Omarosa and that Clueless chick. At the Republican convention Burns led the crowd in prayer by calling on God to defeat Hillary Clinton. Please. Like God was watching the Republican convention.

Trump is FEELING THE BURNS, AM I RIGHT?!

Donald Trump is in Austin today. I almost put on my generic protest sandwich board (“I OBJECT”) and headed downtown but that would’ve entailed me leaving my house. Plus I didn’t have a matching toddler-sized sandwich board for my daughter. After a brief stop in Hippie Hollow Park he’ll be interviewed by Sean Hannity for two hours. I can’t think of anything worse. Except maybe being sexually harassed by Roger Ailes. (Toss up.)

When I first heard that Roger Ailes was now advising Donald Trump I thought, well, duh, which is how I conclude most of my thoughts. (Can a person with my good looks also be smart as a whip? Well, duh.) There’s only one reason anyone would want Ailes to advise them and that is for a few cheap gropes and fondles.

The campaign says that Ailes is informally helping Trump “prepare for the debates.” So that’s what we’re calling it now. What, is he advising Trump to play a little game of grab ass behind the podium in between dodging policy questions? Is Trump going to walk out on stage, shirt unbuttoned down to his navel, and ask Hillary to pretend he’s Santa Claus and sit on his lap? And then Wolf Blitzer’s head will explode?

I mean, the man is a mealy-mouthed pariah who preys on women far more attractive than himself. GUESS WHICH PARIAH I’M TALKING ABOUT. The fact that Ailes is embroiled in a sexual harassment scandal apparently doesn’t matter to Trump seeing as they are “old friends.”

You know, if my “old friend” was caught up in some kind of lurid scandal I probably wouldn’t refer to him as my “old friend” anymore. I’d be like, yeah, my pug’s always been kind of an asshole.

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I may not be a trained therapist (fine, I’m not a trained therapist) but, given my many years of…involvement in the field of psychiatry, I can say with some degree of certainty that Trump belongs in a loony bin, or “long-term spa facility.” And now I can point to a pseudo-official Public Manifesto signed by citizen therapists who view Trumpism as a new mental disorder that should be included in the next edition of the DSM (that would be DSM-VI, I’ve pre-ordered).

Given its detailed description, Trumpism could conceivably replace grandiosity, narcissism, acute mania, chronic self-love to the point where it gets icky, and, of course, homicidal tendencies. There will no doubt be a “Trumpism spectrum,” where you’re either an “occasional asshole,” “situational asshole” or just “all-out asshole.”

According to The Manifesto, Trumpism is an “ideology, not an individual, and it may well endure and grow after the Presidential election even if Donald Trump is defeated. Variants can be seen all over Europe.” What is that last part even supposed to mean? “Variants can be seen all over Europe”? Does every diagnosis come with that same disclaimer? “Depression is a serious mental disorder which can affect your ability to walk your dog, as evidenced in a myriad of direct-to-consumer pharmaceutical ads. Variants can be seen all over Europe.”

So far there is no reliable treatment regimen although medication trials are underway. But for now, let’s not elect a man whose erection may last for more than eight years. With or without medication.

If you never watched V: The Visitors (the original version, not the fake one starring Sgt. Brody’s wife from Homeland), then you’ll probably miss the nuances of this video clip and the ominous parallels between an alien lizard race and its insatiable appetite for human flesh and Trump and the Trumpettes.

YOU THINK I’M KIDDING. Clearly Donald Trump is not human, his supporters have been brainwashed and it’s up to us—The Resistance—to reveal what’s really going on. Naturally I will lead the movement, but not before I’m subject to a grueling conversion process. You can thank me once order is restored to the planet.

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Accordingly Trump has expanded upon his barring of Muslims from entering the U.S. to include anyone from parts of the world where terrorism breeds (thereby making terrorist babies). Trump did not provide any additional information on which countries this may include but I think it’s fair to say that no one from Israel is getting in anytime soon.

Trump added that there will be extreme vetting of any immigrant trying to enter the country. Actually he said, “extreme EXTREME vetting” to really drive it home. A better man would’ve gone even further with “extreme EXTREME INFINITY vetting.” He went on to say there would also be an “ideological screening test” as part of the vetting process. What that would be, the ideologue did not say.

First of all, that’s sexist. Everyone knows that men perform better on tests than women. And secondly, according to Trump’s own words, he’ll have to self-deport.

“Those who do not believe in our Constitution or who support bigotry and hatred will not be admitted for immigration into our country.”

Have fun in Crimea.

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That said, a very nice smart guy helped me hack-proof my site. Then he asked me why a 50-year-old woman felt the need to blog again. I have since withheld his fee and eaten the invoice.

Did you see that meme (pronounced “meme”) going around tagged #firstsevenjobs earlier this week? I heard about it after it went viral, naturally. In honor of Donald Trumps’s economic drivel speech, and the certainty that he will do absolutely nothing to help the middle class, I will list mine.

1. Snack bar girl at Highlands Swim Club. Subsisted on jolly ranchers for the entire summer.
2. Cash register at my brother-in-law’s record store. That’s right. Record store. Drove everyone crazy playing Boomtown Rats.
3. “Designer” at High School Programs, Inc. in Denver. As in, xeroxing business cards to place in sports programs for high school athletics. Post-college. Low point.
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5. Washington D.C. correspondent for the Waterloo Courier in Iowa. First gig in grad school. Needless to say they gave me the worst newspaper.
6. The Daily Herald in Chicago suburbia. Covered park district meetings. Dreamed of one day starting my own web blog.
7. Technology reporter, PC World Online. That’s when they put Online at the end of everything that wasn’t print so you would know to check your word processor.

Finally, the incredible success I’ve experienced in my long and distinguished career all adds up.

So, yes, Trump held his major speech on the economy this week which was unfortunately overshadowed by a minor snafu—really just a simple misunderstanding—yesterday. At one of his many zombie cult rallies Trump joked about “Second Amendment people” putting a stop to Hillary by killing her. HA HA HA. There’s nothing funnier than urging your mentally unstable, morally confused, reactionary supporters to go ahead and assassinate your presidential rival.

You know the worst part? Trump doesn’t even drink. He can’t blame his outrageously irresponsible and dimwitted statements on too many whiskey sours. He’s SOBER when he’s foaming at the mouth and spewing this reprehensible verbal vomit. He can’t even claim the next day that he doesn’t remember what he said or did. I mean, we all say stupid things when we’re drunk like, “I’m a Republican” or “Will you marry me?”

When asked about this latest affront to the human race, Paul Ryan said Trump’s comments sounded like a “joke gone bad.” Really? Forgetting to say “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” is a joke gone bad. Anything that starts with “a priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar” is a joke gone bad.

Not “Knock knock! Who’s there? Kill Hillary!” That’s just bad.

If any of you have been wondering why a buffoon like Donald Trump is on this planet, the answer is clear. God is testing us. It’s kind of like when God decided that His people were so evil and stupid that he had to wipe them out with a Great Flood and start over. However he decided to let Noah live because he was a big fan of Russell Crowe. So Noah built an ark and he and his family and lots of smelly animals survived. (As you well know, he failed to save the unicorns. You can blame him for that unicorn song that every single drunk person requests on St. Patrick’s Day.)

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In just the last week, Trump has attacked the parents of a dead soldier because they’re Muslim, suggested the November election will be rigged, ducked the debates, befriended Communist hackers, thrown a crying baby out of one of his speeches, and, my personal favorite, blasted the NYT for not being able to “write good.”

Write good. WRITE GOOD.

The New York Times is so unfair. I mean they write three, four articles about me a day. No matter how good I do on something, they’ll never write good. They don’t write good. They have people over there, like Maggie Haberman and others, they don’t — they don’t write good. They don’t know how to write good.

The man is like the neanderthal Broud from Clan of the Cave Bear except at least Broud knew some rudimentary sign language. I mean, Trump said “write good” more than once. I’m willing to let one “write good” slide (not really) but several “write goods”? So not only is Donald Trump a fascist heartless narcissistic sociopath, he also can’t speak so good.

On second thought I’d rather perish in the Great Flood Redux than live under the (freakishly tiny) iron fist of a President Trump.